The early warning signs of marital incompatibility
by Smokin’ Joe
1) Credibility: Do they make a habit of saying one thing and doing another? Does the story change? Are there significant inconsistencies in their descriptions of past events? How much of their past is polished to make them look better? to make others look worse?
2) What is their attitude toward their ex-spouse (in my age group, that is there in most cases)? Why? Is it justified, or is it a rationalization?
(NOTE: this one is tricky, guys, a lot of guys/girls seem one way around 'the guys/girls' but are another critter around--or to a person of the opposite sex.
3) What are their priorities? List them by time/money spent. Do they have any incompatible compulsive behaviors?
4) Where are their kids? Do they put the children ahead of you when the children need it? All of the time? Never? Are the kids in trouble? For what, where? What attitude do their children have toward them? Why? Are the children trotted out for show and then sequestered or are they active participants in the developing realtionship? Are they being used to bait the hook? Do they denigrate their ex in front of the kids?
5)How do they treat the hired help, or other people of the same/opposite sex who know you? Shoddy treatment of undeserving waitresses, clerks, etc. shows a lack of civility which may run deeper than those they consider inferior. What are they saying about you behind your back? Are they blatantly two-faced in thier dealings with others? Do they leave a decent tip or protest when you do? Do they feel threatened by your few close friends--or do they get along well?
6)Are they scrupulously honest? Lying about little things indicates a tendency to bend the truth when convenient. Small dishonesties lead to greater ones. This comes with a caveat: Don't ask the question if you do not want to know the answer. Most of the past's details belong there.
7)Can they be genuinely happy for someone else's triumphs or good fortune? Even if they were competing for the same thing (like a promotion?) What will their attitude be if you do well? Vice versa?
8) Will they tell when they think you are wrong? Right? Will they admit, gracefully to an error? (Can you?)
9) Do you have common and differing interests. One provides a basis for discussion, the other provides room to learn and grow.
10)Are your political/religious/philosophical beliefs compatible? Not can you 'bring them around?', but compatible now.
Put all of this in the context of an impending relationship, and many will not get far past the first date.
While sex can be the crown jewel of a relationship, sex alone will not make for an enduring partnership. Aside from a few physical parameters, the essence of good sex is communication. If you are not communicating, you are doing it by yourself anyway.
Think with the big head!
You forgot a big one: what is her relationship with her father? If she doesn't think her father walks on water, beware. If she says her father was a jerk, or a drunkard, or any other sort of miscreant, head for the hills immediately and do not look back. You will never do better than her father.
Your post #113 is excellent. It shows a lot of wisdom and understanding of what to look for, good and bad, in a prospective spouse. Many people only pay attention to the outside when you have pointed out 10 crucial items which demonstrate what is on the inside...character or its lack.