I am sorry for the horrors. The active ones in any battle bear the scars of the knowing and seeing. Ask any combat vet. God bless you. You are strong, but human. I pray you find relief and thank you for being a spititual warrior.
I keep remembering this
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche