THANK YOU for purchasing the SureTransit GEO-PORT™ teleportation device! Proper use of this device will ensure years of service, allowing your customers quick and efficient travel at a very low cost. Posted on 07/25/2025 2:43:17 AM PDT by Lazamataz
THANK YOU for purchasing the SureTransit GEO-PORT™ teleportation device! Proper use of this device will ensure years of service, allowing your customers quick and efficient travel at a very low cost.
This high-quality teleportation product is built to exacting standards, but if you should experience a problem not covered in TROUBLESHOOTING, please visit our website at www.geoport-teleporters.com for additional information or to submit a request for technical help. If you still need assistance, call us at 1-800-555-1212. In Canada, call us at 1-800-555-8077. You will need to provide your model and serial number, located on the product specification plate, which is the brass panel to the right of the activation panel.
SAVE THIS USER GUIDE! THESE INSTRUCTIONS, WARNINGS, AND TROUBLESHOOTING STEPS ARE IMPORTANT!
DANGER: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD ANY PART OF THIS TELEPORTER BE PUT IN YOUR MOUTH. GeoPort Technologies cannot be held responsible for any subsequent dental repair costs.
ABOUT YOUR DEVICE
Your teleporter is based upon scientific principles communicated to all of humanity during First Contact with the Cephian race. This technology allows for instantaneous travel to many places on Earth and even the solar system.
There are two types of teleporters: Fixed-destination devices tuned to a hardcoded location, and variable-destination teleporters, which can be tuned to any location desired by the operator. This user manual covers both variations.
IMPORTANT WARNING: VARIABLE-LOCATION TELEPORTERS ARE EXCLUSIVELY FOR USE BY DESIGNATED GOVERNMENT AGENCIES. UNAUTHORIZED POSSESSION OF A VARIABLE-DESTINATION TELEPORTER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN, AND POSSESSION MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS FELONIES, WITH PUNISHMENTS TO INCLUDE INCARCERATION AND FINES, AS WELL AS SUBSTANTIAL EMBARASSMENT.
FOR FIXED-DESTINATION EARTH-SPECIFIC TELEPORTERS:
Your teleporter is tuned to open a destination teleportation portal at a fixed terrestrial location assigned by I.R.A.A.
FOR FIXED-DESTINATION SOLAR-SYSTEM-SPECIFIC TELEPORTERS:
This device will adjust the destination teleportation portal to accommodate planetary movements relative to Earth, resulting in the opening of a destination teleportation portal at a fixed location (also assigned by I.R.A.A.) on that heavenly body.
IF YOU HAVE A FIXED-DESTINATION TELEPORTER, DO NOT TAMPER WITH THE DESTINATION LOCATION TUNING MODULE IN ANY WAY. TAMPERING WITH THE DESTINATION LOCATION TUNING MODULE IS A SERIOUS FELONY AND CAN RESULT IN SERIOUS HARM OR DEATH!
Your device will require electrical power to operate. Your model will show the voltage and amperage required for a single teleportation. These figures are also found on the product specification plate, which is the brass plate to the right of the operating panel.
WARNING: Supply, at a minimum, the electrical power that is indicated on your product specification plate. Supplying too little power may cause the device to fail to operate. There is no benefit or danger to supplying more than the indicated minimum.
DANGER: FOR SAFETY PURPOSES, ONLY ALLOW ONE LIVING BEING OR DISCRETE SET OF OBJECTS TO TRANSIT AT A TIME. Please see the article in Teleporter Times Weekly, volume 112, pp. 46-52, in which five llamas, teleported simultaneously, were combined into one very ugly, very messy pile of fur and guts. GeoPort Technologies cannot be held responsible for legal liability -- or any cleanup -- if this warning is not heeded.)
The device will sense the mass of the object to be teleported and draw the required power for a successful transit.
There should be no need for you to perform any setup of your device. Our trained technicians will set up the device. Do not alter any component, as safety and operation cannot be guaranteed, and such action will also void your warranty.
OPERATION OF YOUR DEVICE
Operation of the SureTransit GEO-PORT™ teleportation device is extremely simple, so simple that a caveman should be able to operate it. (WARNING: DO NOT ALLOW A CAVEMAN TO OPERATE YOUR TELEPORTER!)
See the illustration below, which shows the configuration of the operating panel:
The Control Panel consists of the following components.·
This maintenance-free teleporter is very unlikely to need any troubleshooting, so in the event of a malfunction, please perform the following steps:
If these steps fail to correct the malfunction, please perform the following step.
If none of these steps help correct the problem, please call us at our support number listed above, and we will be equally as powerless as you in finding the problem… but at least we will make supportive comments while we, together, bemoan your issue.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR VARIABLE-DESTINATION TELEPORTERS
This section is left intentionally blank.
MERCHANDISE
We at GeoPort Technologies are proud of our product, and you should be proud of owning one! We offer various ‘bling’ in the form of coffee cups, hoodies, luggage, handbags, and pen and pencil sets. If your country permits blatant sexism, we even have a Teleported Hottie of the Month calendar. Please find our inventory of branded merchandise in the catalog that came with this guide. Note that we only accept BitCoin at this time. Using only BitCoin helps us get away with it.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Teleportation is instantaneous; therefore, the airliner custom of handing out tiny bags of peanuts is optional. However, we do offer branded bags if you wish to get some. If you wish to make teleportation a little more fun, remember to advise your travelers to scream “I’m alive!” for dramatic effect, upon arrival at their destination.
Happy flick-tripping!
If an “it” is transported, does “it” arrive as two persons ?
No. They arrive just as confused and broken as they were sent.
Remember, do not operate in moving vehicles !!!0
Oh well. Was hoping the device could manufacture sanity for the confused and broken. Will hope for a machine that will fix democrats.
Thought you three would enjoy this!
Wish real user manuals were as well written - as opposed to apparently being translated from Chinese after being translated from Klingon.
Well, that goes without saying!
Funny! lol
A little short story I whipped up. Enjoy!
The Official Lazamataz Sometimes-Funny, Sometimes-Disturbing Ping List
466 Satisfied Customers!™
Noticed one of your comments got zotted.
Understand Free Republic has a no-solicitation policy. I generally approve.
That said one of the hardest things for new authors is to get noticed. The publishing game is tough. Any help from other Freepers would be appreciated.
Wonder if there is a way to link to Amazon without being considered solicitation? Not sure if there is.
I'm wondering if offering a link unsolicited is a no-no, but maybe answering a question of "Where can I find this" is allowed.
I'm not trying to anger Admin Mod or JimRob, but like you said, I am trying to get noticed. They can even read the novel for free if they are Amazon Kindle Unlimited members! It costs them ZERO dollars and ZERO cents. Certainly THAT is not solicitation.
But yeah, I pinged my ping lists in a more compliant fashion.
For legal purposes, your manual should include a long list of possible side effects, just like all the drug ads on tv.
OH! I like it! Think I will do just that, in teeny tiny print.
Gol darn it, Freepers are so creative!
Bttt.
5.56mm
I guess this means that only liberals need apply?😉
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