In other news, Aaron Phoenix, 37, was found dead in his spider cave, his corpse being mostly eaten by a large number of tarantulas. Investigators say that he had been bitten by a brown recluse spider, one of several that had found their way in. The uneaten portion of his remains was cremated as, according to officials, it was very difficult to look at.
Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.