The opening of my memoir (The Writers Guild of Free Republic)

Ciaphas Cain

[Big Red Badger]

Writers ....

[M Kehoe]

Bttt.

5.56mm

[Flaming Conservative]

Right after the word, semicolons, there should be a semicolon instead of a period, because it’s a continuation, or explanation of the first thought.

Right after the word, fury, there should be a semi colon instead of a period, for the same reason, IMHO.

[Ciaphas Cain]

Gotcha! Thanks :-)

[ransomnote]

I tried marking up my opionions on part of your post here. It turns out I can't write or mark up text well with a mouse! Just my suggestions or thoughts.

I was drawn in by the story and as this is your first book, it is a little raw. As you write, you'll settle in to your style. For now, I'd say to see if you can condense text a bit so that the reader covers more of your terrain in less text. I made a mess marking up the statement about the packed car, suggestion it could move to become a compound sentence with the other remark about the interior of the car. I have never written a book so my example will have raw problems of it's own.

The car was packed with his belongings, including a mini daschund asleep on his lap.

As it stands now, as another said, it's a little choppy and  I noticed it when the interior of the car is in one paragraph (packed car) and more about what's in the car in another paragraph. Just my 2 pesos.

I think you meant that the volume was maxed on the radio?, otherwise it may not seem to 'frame' epic impact and something you've waited so long to do, if you roll the windows down and turn up a song you like. I think the paragraph is perhaps too separate from the next paragraph - I miss the emotional impact of the moment you want to convey. But that's just me. :}

Decades ago, in a writing class, the instructor urged us not to try first-person because the reader would be less likely to 'buy' your emotions etc. because they are reading "I wanted to kill him..." when in fact they never wanted to kill anyone. But, that was long ago and maybe that advice has been refuted by now.

I looked at two articles, excerpted below, for a few more opinions and just found the discussion interesting.

If yours is autobiographical, you may want to skim some pages of autobiographies to get a feel for how first-person and third person draws you in best.

~~~ First online opinion

https://arvin.chat/blog/first-person-vs-third-person/

Each POV offers unique advantages. Therefore, understanding these benefits is key to picking the right one. Let’s start with the first person.

First-Person Perks

• Deep Connection: First person creates a strong bond with the reader. Similarly, it feels like they’re experiencing the events firsthand.
• Emotional Impact: This POV amplifies emotions. For instance, fear, joy, and grief feel more intense when experienced through “I.”
• Unique Voice: First person allows for a distinct narrative voice. That is to say, the character’s personality shines through their words

Third-Person Advantages

• Broad Scope: Third person offers a wider perspective. Consequently, you can explore multiple storylines and character arcs.
• Flexibility: This POV lets you move between characters’ thoughts. In other words, you can reveal secrets and build suspense.
• Objective View: Third person can create a sense of distance. Therefore, it’s useful for analyzing events or presenting a larger picture.

Key takeaways on first person vs third person:

• First person creates intimacy and emotional depth.
• Third person provides flexibility and a broader scope.
• Limited third person offers a balanced approach.
• Omniscient third person allows for maximu

~~~ SECOND ONLINE OPINION

How do you choose between writing in first or third person for a novel?

First person is easier to do badly. (People tend to overuse "I" in a distracting way).

Third person is a little more flexible. You can also do almost anything in third person that you can in first, with the exception of unreliable narration.

You can get any degree of emotion or interiority from third person. It is a mistaken belief that first person is more emotional. It's possible that third person limited with free indirect can be more impactful than first person, because it allows you to use contrasting psychic distance to highlight emotional moments.

I would say use third person limited unless you have a specific reason for doing otherwise, like you want your narrator to be lying or hiding something from the reader. It is a safe default.

~~~

I recall reading research that indicated new writers use portions of their brains linked to watching a movie, and with experience, practiced writers transition to using other parts of their brain. Makes sense to me - I know I've written from the movie view part of my mind. I think you're going to progress like all writers and won't even notice (much) how you change over the writing of your book. The first start doesn't have to be as good as you'll be at the end of the book. It's a great start and as you grow in your skill, you can come back and refine it with greater ease.

[Ciaphas Cain]

Thanks, especially for the mark ups! :-)

[teeman8r]

the ribbon of asphalt slicing the new mexican desert gave an image of duality to the two windows of my toyota corolla, well, atleast the two that weren’t blocked by the need to move 27 years of accumulation. my finger caresses the thin spine of the worn cassette as i push it clumsily into the accepting player.
heres to you mrs. robinson…

[poconopundit]

That’s an enaging rewrite there... teesman8r

[Peter ODonnell]

I also wrote a novel set in the western states and it began in may 2017. It is not an autobiography but POD (the fictional version of myself) is an observer more than a protagonist. I did not try to publish because key portions of the manuscript would no doubt trigger (yet another) lawsuit and I could not work out a literary scheme to disguise the probable litigants. Also it contains secrets I don’t have permission to reveal concerning future events set in the western states. Final problem, it is now stale dated and overtaken by a set of slightly different realities in our world.

The novel only ran from may to Nov of 2017 and contained visions that oddly parallel what actually did occur mostly during 2019 to 2021. As I wrote (in 2015-17) I was foreseeing a Trump presidency that would be opposed by a coalition of foreign interests and domestic left-wing terrorists. One of their plots was to unleash a deadly pathogen in selected cities.

The second coming also occurs in this novel so there’s one part I got wrong (so far).

Anyone want to read it? It’s a “fast paced” 150 pages or so, can be read in a solid 90 minutes (I believe). I could email it as an attachment. I don’t want to place it anywhere that all internet users can see it. Too old for lawfare now.

(Novel title is Rough Road Ahead)

---

As to the first page of the novel in this thread, I agree, can’t really get a sense of how the entire work would be as an experience for reading, where and when might it become available to read?

[teeman8r]

just a suggestion that shows, not telling… good luck in your writing. get it dwon on paper. then rewrite to hone the craft.

[poconopundit]

Show IS better than tell. It connects with the reader — makes it more real.

I was looking for a better word than “accumulation” — maybe “the heap of a life’s keepsakes and clutter”.

[Peter ODonnell]

Are you familiar with novels by Tony Hillerman about that region, Navajo tribal police? etc — maybe you can work in the better known characters.

[teeman8r]

Show IS better than tell. It connects with the reader — makes it more real.

I was looking for a better word than “accumulation” — maybe “the heap of a life’s keepsakes and clutter”.

like it... perhaps cluttered keepsakes. for word count.