This just in.
As part of an effort to preserve the balance of nature, Congress declared HAMAS an endangered species, with stiff penalties to be levied against against any individuals or parties thereof disturbing their traditional habitat (above ground or subterranean), and or hindering their natural activity. The Act was passed by a Democrat majority along with some fiscal conservatives.
Meanwhile, the provisional government of Haiti has just declared war on Israel. According to sources, the action was taken in hopes of obtaining more US aid, including a floating harbor.
I think you have a career opportunity with the Bee. :-)