I did not get past the first line. Recourse to vulgarity (even via ellipsis) may get attention, but so does passing gas, and adds about the same quality, and aligns you with demonic Hollywood, in which alluding to the bedroom or a bathroom is obligatory, and only degrades.
Fair enough. I do want to draw the reader in immediately, but as you demonstrate, some people will not like that. Appreciate your feedback.