An electron was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the police.
The police officer says, “You realize that you were driving 88 mph.”
The electron exclaims, “Great, now I’m lost.”
Playboy online has really gone woke.
Miss June’s measurements are 38-24-36-6
I ... don't ...get ... it ...
What do you call a boomerang that wont come back?
a stick.
(yup that's my speed”
God save the Queen man!
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered: “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
Why do ducks have feathers?
To hide their butt quacks!
A fraud, a pervert, and a fool walk into a bar.
“Good evening, Mr Biden,” the bartender says.
Three fellows are out on the golf course. A lawyer, a minister and a scientist.
They noticed a foursome in front of them is moving through the course quite slowly. They see them moving around the green randomly hitting the ball, One Direction, and another, never toward The hole.
They ask their caddy, “what’s going on?”
The Caddy explains that these fellows were firefighters, and in an attempt to save the clubhouse from a blazing fire a few years ago, they lost their eyesight. The club now lets them play for free.
The minister exclaimed, “that’s sad! I will be sure to pray for them.“
The scientist surveys the situation and says he is going to get to work immediately trying to find a way for them to use GPS with voice announcements to help them aim their shots at the hole.
The lawyer exclaimed, “why can’t you let them play at night?“
joe biden has me splittin my sides a laffin
CHP pulls over a car carrying a load of terrified passengers and asks, “Do you know you were only going two miles per hour?”
Driver answered, “Yes, that’s what the sign says.”
CHP shakes his head. “No ma’am that isn’t the speed limit. That’s the route number. You’re on the 2 — and why are all your passengers terrified?”
Drive replies, “We just got off the 110.”
What do call an all natural, eco friendly, gentelmans walking cane ?
a stick
What’s the difference between a Reform rabbi and Donald Trump?
…
Donald Trump has Jewish grandchildren.
Ok ok ... so ya don’t like stick jokes ...
how about another direction..?
My wife ran off with my best friend...
Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.
ha ..fooled ya ... another stick joke
A Pirate has a parrot and has had it for years and the Pirate decides to retire. The parrot picks up the usual bad habits, remembering words and phrases, one of those is “F$&@ you, Patcheye.” He gets tired of it, so he sells it to a pet shop. The pet shop has got it for sale for a while and finally a customer comes in buys it and brings it back a few days later and says “I want my money back this bird is vulgar and I can’t have that around my kids.” The pet shop owner says “What are you talking about?” He says it says “F@&$ you Patcheye” all the time. The pet shop guy says “OK I’ll take it back.”
Pet shop owner says to the bird “you got a quit doing that” The bird looks at him and says “F&@$ you Patcheye.” The pet shop owner cuts out The birds tongue looks at him and says “what do you think about that rude bird ?”The parrot looks at him takes one foot covers up one eye then takes the other foot while holding on to the perch in the cage with it’s beak and shoots him the middle claw.
A man walks by an insane asylum and hears the inmates gleefully shouting “21! 21! 21”
As he gets closer he sees a hole in the brick wall which he approaches so he can peek in and see what’s going on.
The inmates yell “22! 22! 22!”
as they poke him
in the eye
with a...stick
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
“Hold on tight!” says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch.
It snaps and they begin to fall,
but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
“That’s amazing!” says the second caterpillar.
“How are you doing that?!”
The first caterpillar scoffs.
“Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to
drive a stick?””
should I stop ... or stick with it
This is not a joke, but it is funny, and true.
I worked at a large grocery store for many, many moons. For a time I was the closing supervisor 3pm-12 midnight. The large end displays are usually for items on special. We would also put other items one might buy along with the special sale item.
For example, if barbecue charcoal briquettes are on sale at a low price, most of the end display is charcoal. We would put lighter fluid (regular price) around the briquettes.
Well.....one night the boss asked me to construct several displays, including a large end display of toilet paper. So.....what do you think would go along, tie in with the special priced TP? The TP end display looks like a battleship; large items all stacked together. I had to find something that would be somehow related to the TP. When I decided what to stack around the perimeter of the TP display, my coworkers stated I could not use it. I responded that all the other bosses and supervisors had left for the day; I was in charge. So, I placed boxes and boxes, bottles and bottles of.... Prune Juice.
The next day, I arrive at work a little early. The main boss calls me up to his office, and is laughing out loud, almost holding his side from laughing so hard. While laughing, he says “How the #&*@ could you build a display like that?”. I laughed, and stated “boss, half of the prune juice is gone, sold!”
When a scuba diver enters the water from a boat, why do they always go off back first?
If they went front first they’d flop into the boat, silly!
The golf course manager tells me I
can’t use my Big Bertha driver on this course.
So, when he wasn’t looking I broke
a blade off the windmill.
I married my wife for her looks.
But not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
I heard that Whoopi Goldberg wants to host wheel of fortune.
They’re going to use the wheel in her mobility scooter.