Friday Night Joke Thread

Right Here ^ | June 16, 2023 | ConservativeInPA

[immadashell]

🤪

[stylin19a]

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter.
“Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What are you talking about?”
The interpreter tells the godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant’s head. “Ask him again!”
The interpreter signs, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”

“Okay, okay!” the accountant signs back. “The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard!”

“What’d he say?” asks the don.
“He says that you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

[stylin19a]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, Who was that?!
Oh, replies the husband, That was my mistress.

The wife says, That’s it; I want a divorce.
I understand, replies her husband, but, remember our pre-nup, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. Who’s that woman with Jim? she asks.
That’s his mistress, replies her husband.

Ours is prettier, says the wife.

[stylin19a]

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b$tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's b$tch.

[stylin19a]

the man and wife in bed, and she, feeling feisty, says, “Hurt me!”
...so he straightens up, looks her in the eyes, and says, “Your sister has a nicer house than you do.”

[stylin19a]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s how the fight started.

[stylin19a]

Wife had a bag of used clothes she wanted to donate to poor starving people.
I asked “who could use these clothes”?
And that’s how the fight started.

[stylin19a]

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
  She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started.

[pax_et_bonum]

😂😂😂😂😂

[stylin19a]

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
  I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
  “No”, she answered
  I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
  She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
  So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
  And that's how the fight started..

[stylin19a]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
  When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started..

[stylin19a]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
  She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
  I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how fight started.

[stylin19a]

Joe and his wife are standing in line at the bank.
The guy in front of them puts on a mask and robs the bank.
The mask falls off, the teller sees his face so robber shoots the teller dead.
Robber puts the mask back on and turns around to Joe and asks: "Did you see my face ?"
Joe replies no and nods towards his wife...but she did.

[Clay Moore]

After the Ark landed and the animals had disembarked Noah decided to walk around it and check out how well it had fared after a year at sea. He finds two snakes are still aboard.

“Why are you still here? Didn’t I tell you to Go Forth and Multiply?”

“We can’t, we’re adders.”

[FrozenAssets]

Back during all the covid nonsense I caused a run on toilet paper at the big box store. I coughed and 37 leftists pooped in their pants.

[1of10]

“not something you can say with a straight face”

popped me with that one ...
I have to admit I skipped a beat , just unexpected

i feel kinda bad .. thinking that's so funny ... but it is
reminds of my mother saying don't make that face ..
it'll stick that way

[Living Free in NH]

1of10, your last post was at 2:42:31 AM. What a shame. I was hoping you’d stick around a little longer.

[Albion Wilde]

You can lead a horticulture
but you can’t make her think.

[Albion Wilde]

The inventor of the USB stick has died...

LOL- hilarious!

[Albion Wilde]

Ping!