“You think you got problems? Hah! That’s nothing.
Wait till you hear what’s been happening to me, and by what means. It’s enough to gag a maggot! Sit down, It’ll knock your socks off. I’ll tell you the entire horrible story.”
You've got nothing on the Astonishing Tales of Costanza:
https://youtu.be/s8WbxUZbOPQ