I read an article on why Ellen DeGeneres stopped being a lesbian and instead became “queer.” It was mind-bogglingly difficult to read as the article was shot through with socialist made up words that only they use. Here’s the issue in a nutshell. If a man identifies as a woman and he is claiming to be a woman, he can’t be attracted to other women (trans-lesbian) because that would make him an ordinary (cis?) heterosexual man in a dress. Therefore...(not sure why this makes any sense) lesbians, real women attracted to women, must become “queer” instead of lesbians. All of this because, a man who thinks he’s a woman, but attracted to women, thinks he’s a lesbian. (Okay, my head’s starting to hurt.)
Anyway, this is why there can’t be any lesbians anymore and they must identify as queer.
I don’t study lesbian theory, but if there are any lesbians attracted to men, well, free mail me...*cough*
Chef : [gloomy] Hello there, children.
Cartman : Hey, Chef.
Kyle Broflovski : How did your date with miss Ellen go?
Chef : Not too good.
Stan Marsh : What happened? Didn’t you make sweet lovin’ to her?
Chef : No, no, no, she’s not like that. You see, uh, how do I put this. Children, Miss Ellen doesn’t exactly play for right team.
[children look puzzled]
Chef : I-I-I-In other words, children, she not a member of the *heterosexual persuasion*.
[the children still don’t have a clue]
Chef : Don’t you understand? She’s a lesbian!
Stan Marsh : A whatbian?
Kyle Broflovski : A prebian?
Chef : You boys don’t know what a lesbian is?
Stan Marsh : [to Kenny] Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs]
Stan Marsh : No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef : That-That’s okey, eh b... look, all you need to know is, Miss Ellen is a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan Marsh : Oh.
Chef : Now move along, children, you’re holding up the line.
[they walk on]
Kyle Broflovski : Weak, dude! She only likes other lesbians?
Stan Marsh : Hey man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!
Kyle Broflovski : Hey, yeah!
Cartman : You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter lesbian!
Stan Marsh : What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman : My Mom said if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet.
Kyle Broflovski : Really?
Stan Marsh : Well, I got a Indigo Girls CD, the guy at the record store said it was perfect
[puts the CD in the player]
Stan Marsh : .
Kyle Broflovski : I got these killer Birkenstocks.
[the boys all start licking the carpet while the Indigo Girls are playing]
Stan Marsh : This is a bunch a’ crap! I’ve been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don’t feel like a lesbian!
Stan Marsh : I can’t wait for Miss Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!
Cartman : I’m a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan Marsh : No, you’re a fatter lesbian than me!
Kyle Broflovski : Screw you, guys, I am King lesbian!