Therefore, I would like to proclaim publically and sincerely that I am sorry. I’m really really sorry, I apologize unreservedly. I take it back. I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future or beyond.
“Therefore, I would like to proclaim publically and sincerely that I am sorry. I’m really really sorry, I apologize unreservedly. I take it back. I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future or beyond.”
Your original post was humorless. This is an improvement. You might have a 2nd career as a comedian yet.