Posted on 11/27/2020 8:54:52 AM PST by Colonial35
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed
as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each
back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Kathleen staring at him from across the room She said,
You were drunk again last night weren’t you? Paddy said, Why would you say such a
mean thing? Well, Kathleen said, it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it’s all those
Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: So what’s bothering you?
She replies: Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.
The priest says: Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?
Certainly father, she replied. He said: Please Mary, put down that damn gun.
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Young girl seen walking and pulling a big bull down a country path.
“Whatcha’ doin’ young lady?” asked a passing farmer.
“Pa wants me to take him down the hill to mate with the cows.”
Seein’ her kind of struggling, he asked, “Can’t your father do that?”
She paused for a second, and then, “Nope. It’s gotta’ be a bull.”
Guy takes two rabbits to a taxidermist.
“Want them mounted?
“Nope, just holdin’ hands.”
“Got slapped in church yesterday”
“What happened?”
“We were standing and singing hymns, and the lady in front of me was wearing a skirt that was kinda’ bunched up into her butt. So, being a gentleman, I leaned over the pew and pulled her skirt out. Then she turned around and gave me a real rotten look. So, I leaned forward and tucked it back in.”
“And then what?”
“She turned around and slapped me!”
The husband gets back from the the golf course after 9:00 pm, grey faced
with exhaustion, soaked with sweat.
The wife stares at him, upset and baffled. Where have you been!?
It was horrible! Right in the middle of the third fairway, near that
sand trap, Harry drops dead, from a heart attack!
The rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry . . . .
Inga Swenson was working in her garden. It was an unusally hot Norwegian day.
As she was admiring her work, she thought a beer would hit the spot. After
cleaning up, she went to the local pub. Ole Jorgenson, the bartender,was
surprised to see her. Inga had only been to the pub once or twice and always
had the same one beer. “Hello, Inga!”, Ole asked “Anheuser Busch?” “Oh it’s
fine tanks, Ole. An how’s your weener?”, she replied.
Did the guy lose all of his firearms in this “boating accident”?
Oly: “Hi Sven. Waht’s new.?”
Sven: “I got a new snowmobile for my wife.”
Oly: “Great, Sven. That’s a good trade if you can get it.”
The Friday Silliness Thread is a much needed weekly treat!
Thank you!
Funny! Just bookmarked it.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
The covid vaccine should be tested on politicians first. If they survive, the vaccine is safe. If they don’t, the country is safe.
When I was a kid, a lot of my friends had model train sets. Not me. I had a model subway.
You couldn’t see it, but every ten minutes you could feel a rumble underneath the floor.
That reminded me of that recording of Michael Jackson singing “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles.”
LOL
Something my brother and I might say...
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