Oh man, that is wicked — and hilarious at the same time.
Spray them down with the aforementioned substances and put it on pay-per-view at $49.95 a pop.
The ensuing hilarity will be therapeutic for the nation as a whole — and if you could get a video of the President laughing at them it would be a real hoot.
Smack them on the butt with gympie gympie as a bonus, that would get their attention right quick.