Some men and women feel that they’ve wound up in a wire monkey world. In an essay for The Good Men project (“The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer”), Mark Greene talked about how isolated he was from others, until he had a child to take care of:
How often do men actually get the opportunity to express affection through long lasting platonic touch? How often does it happen between men? Or between men and women? Not a hand shake or a hug, but lasting physical contact between two people that is comforting and personal but not sexual. Between persons who are not lovers and never will be. Think, holding hands. Or leaning on each other. Sitting together. That sort of thing. Just the comfort of contact. … I found this kind of physical connection when my son was born. As a stay at home dad, I spent years with my son. Day after day, he sat in the crook of my arm, his little arm across my shoulder, his hand on the back of my neck. As he surveyed the world from on high, I came to know a level of contentment and calm that had heretofore been missing in my life.
The isolation may be more pronounced for men, since physical contact between two women is less likely to be stigmatized or even remarked upon. In my own experience, however, usually the only time I make physical contact with another person is when I shake the priest’s hand on my way out of Mass. When I went on a cultural exchange trip to China, I was surprised and jealous when our group leader warned us that friends commonly hold hands in China, and we shouldn’t assume a host was flirting with us if they did so.
In America, that kind of physical affection would be unusual between pairs of friends, especially if both were male. But, if friends are off limits, where else are people to turn for physical reassurance?
The shooter, and most Americans his age, don’t live among large, extended families. They are not giving piggy-back rides to small cousins or kissing grandparents hello or being called over for cheek pinches from meddlesome aunts. Luckily, comfort isn’t only available from families and romantic partners; some communities and pastimes retain norms of physical contact and encouragement. Sports are one place where platonic touch can still flourish (in fact, NBA teams with a lot of physical touch between teammates tend to do better at cooperating), but those communities aren’t open to or even desired by everyone.
After a tragedy, we tend to dwell on how we could have stopped the shooter: did he do anything to merit institutionalization, should he have been eligible to buy guns, etc. Those questions are appropriate, but constraining a potential shooter is only a partial victory. We should also look for alternatives to free him from a prison of despair, envy, and fear, even if he’s the only victim of his own unhappiness.
No one has a humanitarian duty to hug isolated men like the Isla Vista shooter any more than anyone was obliged to provide him with sex. However, it’s worth asking if there is something we can do to make non-sexual affection more common generally. At the personal level, that might just mean offering friends hugs more often, and at a societal level, telling and repeating better stories about friendship.
Somebody misunderstood, “I’d hit it”
“When did the Friendzone become such a terrible place to live?”
Um, always? The fact that this author doesn’t understand that is pretty telling.
Yeah, I don’t think hugging disenchanted young men who don’t see a future for themselves in our society is really going to fix anything.
I was shocked to see a story about a Santa Barbara shooting as I hadn’t heard about it. Turns out the story is 5 years old.
Joe Biden is on a one-man mission to rectify this.
I found that interesting, thanks.
When society has one thinking homosexuals are around every corner, even casual conversation with an unknown man can make you wonder. The mainstream acceptance of faggotry has severely damaged male relationships. I have a feeling that was considered at the outset.