From SNL - The Pepsi Syndrome
Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, this is Dr. Edna Casey. Perhaps she can explain better than I what has happened to the president.
Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs. Carter, your husband was exposed to massive doses of radiation. Now this has affected the entire cell structure of his body and greatly accelerated the growth process.
Rosalyn Carter: Well, what does that mean?
Dr. Edna Casey: It means, Mrs. Carter, your husband, President Carter, has become [ camera zooms in on Dr. Edna Casey ] The amazing colossal president.
Rosalyn Carter: Well how big is he?
Dr. Edna Casey: Well Mrs. Carter, it’s difficult to comprehend just how big he is but to give you some idea, we’ve asked comedian Rodney Dangerfield to come along today to help explain it to you. Rodney?
[ Rodney Dangerfield enters ] Rodney Dangerfield: How do you do, how are you?
Ross Denton: Rodney, can you please tell us, how big is the president?
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s a big guy, I’ll tell you that, he’s a big guy. I tell you he’s so big, I saw him sitting in the George Washington bridge dangling his feet in the water! He’s a big guy!
Rosalyn Carter: Oh my God! Jimmy! Oh God!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s big, I’ll tell you that, boy. He’s so big that when two girls make love to him at the same time, they never meet each other! He’s a big guy, I’ll tell you!
Rosalyn Carter: Oh no! Oh Jimmy! My Jimmy!
Rodney Dangerfield: I don’t want to upset you lady, he’s big, you know what I mean? Why he could have an affair with the Lincoln Tunnel! I mean, he’s really high! He’s big, I’ll tell you! He’s a big guy!
Rosalyn Carter: No! No! No!
Ross Denton: Rodney, thank you very much. You can go.
Rodney Dangerfield: It’s my pleasure. He’s way up there, lady! you know what I mean? [ goes off, leaving Rosalyn Carter very upset ]
Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs Carter, perhaps this chart can give you a more precise measurement of his size. [ shows chart comparing sizes of animals ] Now the figure on the left represents Vice President Mondale. This is Tip O’Neill, Speaker of the house, Democrat, Massachussetts. This is an Indian elephant, this is a brontosaurus, and this, I’m afraid, [ pulls back flap to show that President Carter is about twice the size of a brontosaurus ] is President Carter. [ Rosalyn Carter bursts into tears, as Ross Denton lets her head rest on his shoulder ] [ goes back into press conference at the power plant’s main office, with Baba Wawa reporting. ]
Baba Wawa: Hewwo, this is Baba Wawa speaking to you wive fwom Two Miwe Iwand. I’m speaking to you wive fwom the Two Miwe Iwand Nucweaw Weactow site whewe wumows awe wunning wampant that the pwesident has been exthposed to wethaw wevews of wadiation. And he has gwown to an incwedibly widiculous pwopowtion. He’s weawwy, weawwy, wawge. Pwesentwy, Woss Denton, spokespewson fow the utiwity company which wuns the nucweaw weactow wiww enter this woom to wespond to the pwess. Watew tonight, at 10:30, 9:30 centwaw, ABC wiww pwesent a speciaw half houw wepowt, “How big is the President?” hosted by Fwank Weynolds and Wodney Dangewfiewd. [ Ross enters the room with Rosalyn Carter and Dr. Edna Casey ] I see Woss Denton is appwoaching the podium and seems weady to speak. Wet’s wisten in.
Ross Denton: Good afternoon, good afternoon, ladies and gentleman of the press. First, as to the president’s condition, let me say that the president is feeling certainly “stronger” than he’s ever felt. And he would like to be with us right here, in this room if he could. I think now I’ll just open the door to questions-
Female Reporter #1: Yes, is it true that the president is 100 feet tall?
Ross Denton: Nooooo! Absolutely not!
Male reporter #3: Is the president 90 feet tall?
Ross Denton: No comment. Yes?
Male Reporter #1: Yes. While the Constitution does not specifically exclude giants and behemoths from the presidency, is it not true that the Mr. Carter’s enourmous size really violates the spirit of-
Dr. Edna Casey: Look! There he is! It’s the president!
[ a gigantic Jimmy Carter is seen outside of the window ] Everyone in room: Mr. President! Mr. President!
President Jimmy Carter: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m afraid that since the army clothing engineers have been unable to fit me with a giant loincloth, I’ll have to adress you through this window. First, let me say that this experience has not changed my committment to nuclear power, nor do I believe that my enourmous size will in any way limit my abilities to perfrom my duties in my office. However, this will mean some changes in my personal life. Rosalyn, I hate to spring this on you this way, but I’d like to introduce you all to my future wife and my next first lady. She was a widow, and, until recently, a maintainance worker here at Two Mile Island. Miss Violet Crawford.
[ Violet comes in looking through the window, having also become a giant from radiation, as Rosalyn Carter hits the wall in shock ] Violet: Hi, everybody. As First Lady, I’d like to say I have nothing against nuclear power, honey. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
I need mind bleach now...