You’re right with the up close and personal. I don’t know what I call that. I never really considered that PTSD because to me when they talk about PTSD, it’s a long term thing.
I think about those that didn’t come home, as I’m sure anyone would, but I tend to not dwell so much on that as much as I dwell on not giving up the fight for our rights and freedoms.
You look at any vets, living or gone, and it does a major disservice to the sacrifices that were made volunteering or otherwise that would all be for naught if we don’t keep the fight up.
Essentially, though I’m retired from the infantry, my oath still stands and I feel I owe those who came before to keep carrying the torch in the name of freedom the way God made us to be. So I’m often too busy to dwell too long.
I will say I do get emotional when I see some things, and it reminds me of a certain person or place, but that’s something I think any combat vet will get. We serve together and build bonds stronger than most in life, so the emotions tied to that are stronger as well.
I know to a lot of people, I come across as ornery and a fire brand, it’s in my warrior blood, but it’s because I’m so passionate about freedom, and you can’t talk about freedom without talking about freedom in Christ. I did a lot of that in the army too. Men often wondered how I could do the things I do and believe, so I’d explain the difference of murder and killing. I always felt responsible for those around me too, which led me to take more risks, but that’s how God wired me.
I haven’t changed, just the scenery has. Men like you, me, and many vets on FR and elsewhere have a great responsibility to ensure freedom doesn’t on our watch.
I left out one other feature of our experience from combat: survivor's guilt. I spent years grieving for the friends who died and asking God why I was allowed to live. (That's a bit more personal than I intended - but it's real, nonetheless). It is what it is.
I have never even thought of applying for some sort of VA assistance because I don't look at it as a disability - just a feature of the experience. I actually prefer "hypervigilance". It keep me aware of my surroundings - and as we used to say "paranoia is just common sense when somebody really is after you".