Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.
I’ll be cooking at home and then we’ll cart everything over to mother’s. The author can keep her spin on traditional recipes. We look forward all year to those traditional recipes and have learned the hard way to keep the holidays strictly family affairs. Oven roasted non-Butterball turkey, homemade giblet gravy, homemade rolls fresh from the oven, homemade cornbread dressing, corn casserole and most definitely canned jellied cranberry sauce. Whiskey goes in a glass, not my homemade pecan and pumpkin pies.
A Conservative’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving Dinner
https://politibunny.wordpress.com/2017/11/18/a-conservatives-guide-to-surviving-thanksgiving-dinner/
1. Drink. Drink heavily. Drink a lot. Start drinking EARLY.
2. If you carry, be sure at some point to take your unloaded weapon out and clean it at the dinner table; hey, if these morons think you’re a crazy redneck anyway you might as well have a little fun with them.
3. Eat meat. LOTS of meat. In fact, put meat on TOP of your meat and then ask for some extra meat to eat on the side. And then when you think you’ve eaten all the meat you can … eat more meat.
4. Come prepared with at least a dozen really good Hillary Clinton jokes to tell during dessert. The more sexist, the BETTER.
5. Remind them how much more you pay for health insurance under Obamacare – at least three times.
6. PRAY before dinner and you know what, PRAY before dessert too.
7. Use traditional pronouns like ‘he’ and ‘she’ only, and make sure to put an emphasis on said pronouns in each and every conversation.
8. Carry a small bottle of air freshener with you … you never know how long it’s been since your niece or nephew who believes we are literally KILLING the planet by using too much water has taken a shower.
9. When your Liberal brother-in-law who quit his job because he didn’t want to keep funding the ‘American capitalistic war machine’ starts complaining about the fundamental problems with the Constitution, be prepared with a few various hand gestures. These include:
a) Playing the world’s smallest violin
b) ‘Blah blah blah’ open and close
c) Obligatory ‘jerk off’ motion
d) Subtle middle finger, which may take some practice.
10. Last of all, and most importantly, keep your sense of humor and stay outta jail.
All of this being said, probably the reason we don’t see more ‘survival guides’ for Conservatives during the holidays is that we’re not all a bunch of pansies who throw temper tantrums and cry when people disagree with us.
Because you know, we’re adults.
Happy Thanksgiving!