Puns for Educated Minds
1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired
his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a
whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was
confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math
disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be
stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited
for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a
tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats
were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay
here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting
bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped
from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived
mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward
poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In
feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a
missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the
bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead
raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry,
sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a
concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
23. Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly
it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it
too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The
other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His
goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten
puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
****
August 31, 2015 Today’s Joke:
If you are going to engage in conversation about foreign policy with Obama supporters, always remember this: Most of them believe ‘Iran’ is what they did after they robbed the liquor store.
****
(from email)
An Israeli doctor says: “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work”.
The German doctor says: “that’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work”.
The Russian doctor says: “gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work”.
The United States doctor laughs: “You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!”
*****
(Twenty Mule Team site)
Ms Crapweasel introduced herself to her first-grade class located in a heavily Democrat district.
“Hello, class,” she began. “I’m your new teacher,Theresa Crapweasel, and I’m a liberal. How many of you are liberals?”
Every child in the room raised his hand, except for one little girl, Susie, (it’s always Susie in these stories) sitting in the front row.
Glancing down at her seating roster based upon skin tone Ms Crapweasel asked, “Susie, if you’re not a liberal, then what are you?”
Standing respectfully, Susie proudly replied, “I’m a conservative!”
“Tell the class why you’re a conservative,” ordered Ms Crapweasel.
“Well, said Susie, “my Daddy’s a conservative…and my Mommy’s a conservative
…so I’m a conservative!”
“But, Susie, just because your natural parents are conservatives, doesn’t mean you have to be one,” the teacher said. “Suppose your Daddy was a drug-addled thief and liar. And what if your Mommy was a filthy, two-bit prostitute?”
Without hesitation, Susie replied, “That’s easy, then I’d be a liberal!” - Origin Unknown
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Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them “Brides of Christ.”
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns, and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them,
“I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?”
One of the Jews replied, “We’re from the groom’s family.”
...With God’s help, we can only pray they chose the proper side on which to sit.
Lol