HEY GUYS! I FOUND IT! I FOUND THE ARK OF THE COVENANT!
It was behind my couch the whole time. Made a great credenza.
I’m putting it on Craig’s List since it killed half of my dinner party guests two weeks ago. I swear I asked them if they had Canaanite blood, but hey, some people just can’t be honest, especially when free food and alcohol are being served.
The Philistines returned it to the Israelites months after a lost battle led to it's capture--a case of please take it back.