An engineer died and approached the pearly gates. Unfortunately for him, heaven’s IT department had just upgraded to Windows 8 and nobody could figure out how to use the software. With a bit of clicking and screen-poking St. Peter finally announced the sad fact to the engineer that he was destined for the other place and dispatched him forthwith.
Fifthwith (or even later) St. Peter was informed it was a mistake and was asked to contact Hell for the return of the mis-directed engineer.
“Are you kidding me?” Satan asked. “The guy’s amazing. He’s already put in air-conditioning that’s reduced the temperature down here to a reasonable 112 degrees and it’s getting cooler by the minute. He’s put in escalators on all the tall peaks and he’s arranged for my stretch to get almost 30 mpg. There’s no way I’m sending him back.”
St. Peter replied, “You’d better send him back.”
Satan replied, “Or what?”
St. Peter said, “Or I’ll sue.”
“Oh, yeah?” Satan asked. “Where are you gonna get a judge?”
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”
St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”
“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.
“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? “
“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.