Mark Twain’s Library of Wit and Humor:
Mark Antony’s Oration Over Caesar.
/.• W. (The Text from which Shakespeare wrote his Version.
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Friends. Romans, countrymen! Lend me your ears;
I will return them next Saturday. I come
To bury Caesar, because the times are hard
And his folks can’t afford to hire an undertaker.
The evil that men do lives after them,
In the shape of progeny that reap the
Benefit of their life insurance.
So let it be with the deceased.
Brutus had told you Caesar was ambitious:
What does Brutus know about it?
It is none of his funeral. Would that it were I
Here, under leave of you, I come to
Make a speech at Caesar’s funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me;
He loaned me five dollars once when I was in a pinch
And signed my petition for a post offlce.
But Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus should wipe off his chin.
Caesar hath brought many captives to Rome
Who broke rock on the streets until their ransoms
Did the general coffers fill.
When that the poor hath cried, Caesar wept,
Because it didn’t cost anything, and
Made him solid with the masses. [Cheers.]
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff,
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus is a liar and I can prove it.
You all did see that on the Lupercal
I thrice presented him a kingly crown
Which thrice he did refuse, beeause it did not fit him quite,
Was this ambitious? Yet Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus is not only the biggest liar in the country
But he IS a horse-thief of the deepest dye. [Applause.]
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. [Laughter.]
You all do know this ulster.
I remember the first time ever Caesar put it on,
It was on a summer’s evening in his tent,
With the thermometer registering ninety degrees in the shade;
But it was an ulster to be proud of.
And cost him seven dollars at Marcus Swartzmeyer’s.
Corner of Fulton and Ferry streets, sign of the red flag.
Old Swartz wanted forty dollars for it.
But finally came down to seven dollars because it was Caesar!
Was this ambition? If Brutus says it was
He is even a greater liar than Mrs. Tilton!
Look! in this place ran Cassius’s dagger through:
Through this the son of a gun of Brutus stabbed,
And when he plucked his cursed steel away,
Mark Anthony how the blood of Caesar followed it!
[Cheers and cries of “ Give us something on the Silver
bill!” “Hit him again !” &c.]
I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts,
I am no thief as Brutus is,
Brutus has a monopoly in all that business,
And if he had his deserts, he would be
In the penitentiary, and don’t you forget it!
Kind friends, sweet friends, I do not wish to stir you up
To such a sudden flood of mutiny.
And as it looks like rain,
The pall bearers will proceed to place the coffin in the hearse,
And we will proceed to bury Caesar,
Not to praise him.
Nifty, I’ll have to go find that book now.