My deepest condolences. I, too, have lost my husband and understand your pain all too well. It’s no surprise that you’re not coping well. It’s been a very brief time since his passing — very, very brief. This is your first holiday season without him, and that is HUGE. In fact, all the firsts are huge. At least they were for me. First birthday, first anniversary, even the first changings of the seasons.
I would encourage you not to set a timeline for an “appropriate” time to grieve. If you don’t meet that artificial timeline, you’re likely to heap guilt or shame on yourself. This would be counterproductive.
Be gentle with yourself. Cry, kick, scream when you need to. Don’t hold back. You will be reminded of your loss at the most unexpected times and places. I would be in the grocery store and see something he really liked or that I loved surprising him with it. I couldn’t hold the tears back. Smells will remind you, and there’s no way to predict where or when that will happen. Or a song on the radio, etc. If you can’t hold the tears back, make sure you have Kleenex in your purse for such occasions. (I’d save the kicking and screaming for when you’re at home. ;-))
Contact some local hospices in the area. They have bereavement programs that you should be able to avail yourself to. Your loved one doesn’t have to have been on service with the hospice for you to be able to participate. I recommend contacting more than one simply because they all do their bereavement programs differently. Determine which one best meets your needs. If you know anyone who’s had a loved one die on hospice care and who participated in their bereavement program, ask them if they thought the program was thorough and helpful.
Find a friend or family member (or maybe even a new friend in a bereavement group) who will listen to you when you hit the rough patches. Make sure they understand that you’re not asking them to fix it. You just need someone to listen with compassion. Ignore people who tell you not to cry, not to be sad, or that it’s time for you to move on. They mean well, but their “advice” is worth what you paid for it.
If after a particular period of time you see that you’re not able to get on with your life or function normally (you will know when that time is), you may want to receive professional help to assist you in processing one of the most life-changing and significant events that can happen in your life. Heck, for that matter, you could do that now if you wanted. You would be the one to determine if you’re stuck and need help moving on. Until then, I recommend the things I mentioned above. Know that there are folks out here who understand and would NEVER judge you for how you’re handling your grief. You’re not alone. Not by a long shot.
I’ve saved the most important part till last. When I lost my husband, I wasn’t a believer. This was a definite disadvantage in my grieving process. I became a Christian about 10 years after his passing. All things are better when you’re a relationship with the Lord. Since I don’t know you, I realize it’s possible that you already are a woman of faith and that I’m preaching to the choir. If that’s the case, I believe the Lord put it on my heart to add it because He wanted someone reading here tonight to hear it.
> Be gentle with yourself. Cry, kick, scream when you need to. Don’t hold back. You will be reminded of your loss at the most unexpected times and places. I would be in the grocery store and see something he really liked or that I loved surprising him with it. I couldn’t hold the tears back. Smells will remind you, and there’s no way to predict where or when that will happen. Or a song on the radio, etc. If you can’t hold the tears back, make sure you have Kleenex in your purse for such occasions. (I’d save the kicking and screaming for when you’re at home. ;-))
Very good advice. Time is the only healer. Remembering the good times with friends in their honor every once in awhile helps. This holiday season be with friends and family members and know that you are loved and not alone. I lost my mother in 2009. She had many bad health issues and was continuously in and out of the hospital for years barely able to breathe. It was hard to see her that way after knowing her in good health for years in what seemed to be another life.. I hate to say it but I was relieved when she passed away because of the suffering she had to endure when she was alive and the fact that I knew she was saved. I know she suffers no more.