Oh good God.
Will not be long before this bright idea reaches these shores.
“Away the Morale Suppression Team, away! Code 3, lights & sirens! Somewhere, someone is having fun...this must NOT be allowed!”
— Brought to you by the creators of the Porkulus, Obamacare, & Executive Amnesty
I was a mall Santa for several years with no padding required. The white gloves are so the assistants can see your hands at all times. They do a background check when you’re hired. This was 20 years ago.
“Bravehearts founder Hetty Johnston has supported the concerns of some worried parents who say that the era of sitting on Santa’s lap has got to come to a close with some kids feeling pressured and forced to participate in the Christmas custom.”
...I really hate society. Heaven forbid children have any fun. Who feels “pressured” by Santa? Simply don’t take your children to see him.
libs = haters
Laraine Newman: I'm next!
Dan Aykroyd: [ laughing ] Are you sure you want to do this?
Laraine Newman: Sure! You know, I mean it's crazy, this time of year does something to me, I feel like a little kid!
Dan Aykroyd: Make it quick, though - we've got a lot of shopping to do.
Laraine Newman: Oh, don't be such a Scrooge. Where's your spirit?
[ little girl steps off Santa's lap and heads off ]
Mall Santa: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, everybody!
Laraine Newman: I'll only be a minute.
Dan Aykroyd: Sure.
[ as Laraine steps up to Santa Claus, she unrolls some toilet paper which she proceeds to place around his lap ]
Dan Aykroyd: Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing?
Laraine Newman: Relax! I said I'll only be a minute..
Dan Aykroyd: What is this?
Laraine Newman: It's for protection.
Dan Aykroyd: Toilet tissue?! You mean, you haven't heard of Santi-Wrap? [ holds up red and green colored toilet seat protection sheet ] Sure.. Santi-Wrap - the colorful, decorative and hygienic way to protect yourself from germs carried by the likes of a part-time Santa Claus.
Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..
Dan Aykroyd: Look, he's so jolly, he's smart, he knows if you've been sleeping - but do you know where he's been sleeping?
Laraine Newman: [ sits up with a stir ] Oh, my goodness!
Dan Aykroyd: That's just it, Look, Laraine - I love Santa just as much as anybody else, but, December 26th, Noel over here goes back to the Y.
Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..
Laraine Newman: But won't toilet paper protect me?
Dan Aykroyd: Two-ply? Never. Not these germs. Let me show you.
[ show image of Santa's bare leg ]
Dan Aykroyd: This is a picture of Santa's leg. Seems normal. But look at the same picture magnified under a microscope.
[ show circular close-up of tiny little men sitting on a street corner, with little hairs surrounding the lens ]
Laraine Newman: Are those Santa's helpers?
Dan Aykroyd: Yes, those are Santa's helpers. And they're communicable. Now, will you stop using the two-ply?
Laraine Newman: What a fool I've been! [ replaces her toilet paper with one Santi-Wrap sheet and sits ] Okay.. I want a car, and a refigerator, and -
Dan Aykroyd: Use Santi-rap, and I promise you won't get one tick.. from jolly St. Nick.
Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho.. ho.. ho ho..
Quick, somebody send her “A Christmas Story” DVD.