I’d be afraid to take her out to dinner; she’d glance at the menu and tell the waiter, “I’ll have one of everything, please.”
My wallet would jump out of my pocket and run for the door.
“Yer mama so fat, she looked at the menu and said, ‘OK’.”
“My wallet would jump out of my pocket and run for the door.”
FIFTY CENTS
I took my girl to a ball last night, ‘twas such a fancy hop
We stayed until the folks went home, the music it did stop.
Then to a restaurant we went, the finest on the street
She said she wasn’t hungry, but this is what she’d eat:
A dozen raw, a plate of slaw, some fancy Boston roast,
Some turtle stew, crackers, too, some soft-shelled crab on toast?
Next she tried some oysters fried; her appetite was immense!
She asked for pie! I thought I’d die, for I had but fifty cents!
After eating all of this she smiled so very sweet,
She said she’wasn’t hungry at all, she wished that she could eat;
But the very next order that she gave, my heart within me sank.
She said she wasn’t thirsty at all, but this is what she drank:
A brandy, a gin, a big hot rum, a schooner of lager beer,
Some whiskey skins and two more gins did quickly disappear;
A bottle of ale, a soda cocktail, she astonished all the gents!
She called for more, I fell on the floor, for I had but fifty cents.
To finish up, this delicate girl cleaned out an ice cream can?
She says, “Now, Sam, I’ll tell mama you’re such a nice young man.”
She said she’d bring her sister along next time she came, for fun.
I handed the man my fifty cents, and this is what he done:
He broke my nose, he tore my clothes, he knocked me out of breath;
I took the prize for two black eyes, he kicked me most to death.
At every chance he made me dance, he fired me over the fence,
Take my advice: don’t try it twice, when you have but fifty cents.