kick it off! Whoa, big. First let us consider... 
some Breaking News:
New York Daily News headline "Michael Douglas reveals he had tongue cancer instead of throat cancer"
Well, big, I was so happy to hear... 
Mike earlier this year defend smoking and boozing as 'not a cause' of his throat cancer when asked if that cause it:
"No, because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV... 
which actually comes about from cunnilingus. I did worry if the stress caused by my son's incarceration didn't help trigger it. But yeah, it's a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it."
Now, before you get all teary-eyed, Mike now say he lied... 
he really had tongue cancer--
"Yeap, had tongue cancer, not throat. And, about the cause of my diarrhea... 
I can only blame Matt Damon."
Hey, Mike-- It is called... 
method acting!
And continuing with this New York Theme... 
I understand the Jersy Jints have already started designing their rings for this season--
And Eli has firmed up his wishes for the engraving... 
inside his ring.