Think you’ve got problems there...get this...No bowel movement for me this morning. I NEED GOVERNMENT HELP NOW!!!
Toilet paper running low. Kids are using table napkins. Horde of Mongolian raiders just swept through stealing women and raping livestock. Jetliner just fell out of the sky and took out half a block of downtown. School is reportedly canceling Homecoming dance. No parking at Post Office. Daughter reports hair is “totally frizzy” and nascent zit on chin may derail Homecoming date. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it may be canceled anyway ...
Beheld a pale horse and upon him a pale rider heading toward the 7-11 about half an hour ago.
Will continue to report as long as I can hold out.