Posted on 08/11/2013 6:04:39 AM PDT by rickmichaels
Kristen De Filippis recently had an argument with her aunt and mom about what makes an appropriate wedding gift. “They said, ‘You have to give at least $100 [cash] or more,’ ” says De Filippis, 38, who lives in Toronto. “I was like, the whole thing is insane. It should come down to what you can afford.” De Filippis loves her big Italian family, but wedding season isn’t cheap. It’s standard to give gifts at the engagement party and the shower, and an envelope on the big day. “With the older generation, if you don’t give a certain amount, you’re considered cheap.” (At a distant relative’s bridal shower, when De Filippis committed to giving a $40 gift, her mom put in $150 from both of them instead, she says, to avoid embarrassment.)
In many cultures, giving cash at weddings has long been standard. Now that a growing number of couples live together before getting married, money is an increasingly in-demand present: They may not need another set of towels or dishware, but would prefer funds toward a vacation, or the down payment on a home. “I have five weddings this year, and five next year, and I’m giving cash at all of them,” says Amanda Marshall, 29, of Vancouver. Having polled her close friends, she knows that’s what they want. But other guests can see it as a cash grab, and in some cases, cash-strapped guests are fighting back.
The first high-profile spat erupted in June, when two guests at a Hamilton wedding left a gift basket filled with salsa, oil, biscuits, spreadable marshmallow and Sour Patch Kids candies. “Life is delicious,” the card said. “Enjoy!” But the two brides did not enjoy. Afterward, one fired off a text: “I’m not sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your date’s plate.” (The brides were of Italian and Croatian heritage, two cultures where cash gifts are the norm.) Outraged, the guests sent this exchange to the Hamilton Spectator newspaper, and it went viral.
Just a few weeks later, another woman—an American named Tanya—went public with a Facebook message she’d received from a friend whose wedding she’d attended. “I just want to know, is there any reason or dissatisfaction of Mike’s and my wedding that both you and Phil gave $50 each?” the bride wrote, informing Tanya that the cost was in fact $100 per person. “That money didn’t grow on a tree,” Tanya huffed to the Huffington Post. “If she had a minimum gift requirement, she should have specified it … or asked everyone for income statements before inviting them.” While that bride’s reaction might have been unusual, she wasn’t alone in her expectations. De Filippis notes that, at weddings, “it’s understood you have to cover the cost of food per plate.” This is also the rule of thumb with Marshall’s friends.
The average cost of a wedding in Canada is now $32,358, but never mind the couples—for those attending these events, the price is going up, too. This year, guests expect to spend $539 per wedding, according to a U.S. survey by American Express, up 59 per cent from last year. Close family members will spend an average of $179 per person on a gift; for co-workers, it’s $66. There seems to be a growing disconnect between the happy couple and their guests. Most Americans (35 per cent) would like to give a gift from the registry. Most couples (52 per cent) want money. A growing number write on the invitation, “Presentation” or “No boxed gifts,” to more politely imply they want cash, although etiquette dictates that even registry information should be left off the formal invite.
If there’s a generational gap between De Filippis and her mom about how much cash is appropriate to give, Marshall has experienced a different kind of disconnect: an ex’s mom who was told a couple wanted cash, and just “couldn’t do it.” Loath even to buy something off the registry, she insisted on picking something out herself. Indeed, some people still feel that cash is too impersonal. Most people, though, whether givers or recipients, seem to agree on one thing: After the big day has come and gone, proper etiquette dictates that thank-you cards should be sent out for each and every gift—even if it was a lowly box of Sour Patch Kids.
look you greedy brides
if you want the wedding of your girlish dreams understand it is on your own nickle
if you want people there to share your joy, you don’t charge them
I hate the gimme attitude that has taken over this country
the spread sheet has become a monster.
Or have the wedding at church and a get together in your mom’s hovel, that would be cheap
but don’t dun your guests
When people throw wedding that cost more than a small country’s GNP, they shouldn’t complain about not having money. A cash gift is crass unless it’s from an elderly aunt who can’t shop or from the parents giving the couple a downpayment on a house.
Wow—my wedding cost $600.00. Half for the dress and half for the hot air balloon.
I have left complete instructions for my funeral and a specific dollar amount for it: 1 day or less visitation; minimum “vault”, my flag which I am entitled to and the vet cemetary....nothing more.
For our wedding, we spent about $4K. We had a nice event for 60 at a local BandB; appitizer plates, a cake, a pianist, and an available horse carriage ride. I supplied the wine from my cellar and a few cases of beer and each guest received a .375 bottle of wine with our wedding date label on it. We specifically stated no gifts, just come and party with us. Our neighbor minister officiated.
A friend, well, ex friend since they’ve moved away years ago, has been inviting me to their daughter’s wedding. Invite - wedding cancelled - on again - invite - change of date - invite - new venue - an updated invite - distaster #347 - another invite. Enough already. I told them the first time I wouldn’t be attending because I’d have to get a hotel room for two nights because of the distance. Told them again and again, no. Found out last week invitations went out... again... and I didn’t get one. Yippee! I got dumped because they sent an invation to someone they hate (feeling is mutual) hoping to get a $$$$ gift. Ha, it ain’t gonna happen.
B in L just got remarried and the new gold digger (see my new car, my new house, my huge ring!!) was planning a destination wedding. Excuse me, but if you want me to attend your destination then you’re going to buy my plane ticket. Apparently, the rest of the family was of the same opinion because she finally came around to having it locally but by that time she was so mad everyone was univited. Their kids were the only ones there and they were racing for the exit immediately after the I do’s. Now she’s mad because no one gave them gifts.
It should come down to what kind of wedding reception and where.
Backyard, church basement/hall, restaurant cheap/fancy, hotel/wedding factory, wedding venue, destination wedding.
Guests should try to at least cover the cost of “plate”, which could range from $40 to $150.
If one can’t afford the “fee”, then decline invitation and send the gift. Better way is to see how the wedding, venue, food and overall atmosphere goes and reward the newlyweds appropriately. Nowadays it is nice to see normal people getting married and they appreciate any generosity to help them start new life in this overtaxed reality.
Wedding is not just reception for the newlyweds, but occasion for close and distant family, friends to get together and celebrate the sanctity of marriage while enjoying the socializing at the wedding venue.
We were recently at perfect destination wedding at www.MVmanor.com (NY, NJ, PA corner) and enjoyed meeting family, witnessing happy occasion and rewarding newlyweds for their efforts to start the new family.
Whata difference from “cocktail and finger food reception wedding” in NYC. Some don’t even bother getting married, or......
What fun. I wanted a hot air balloon but it didn't work out. Good thing because it rained that day. My wedding, the gown down to the honey roasted nuts, was $500 total. It was much nicer than the one I attended two weeks later where the gown cost over $2000. That was years ago when $2k was big money.
We just had our 50th. Wedding Anniversary party. I prepared all the food the kids served it , We asked that gifts not be brought, but several people gave them anyway, Mostly gift cards to restaurants.
The whole party cost less than a thousand dollars and we had a great sit down dinner for 140 guests and family.
Catering is just too expensive these days at $25.00 a plate, and that is what they call cheap.
mr. a and I were married in 1993. We paid for the entire wedding ourselves and yes, it was very expensive.
Our goal was to throw a big party for our friends and loved ones to celebrate our marriage. We certainly didn’t tot up the cost of the gifts to see if we were making a profit. Heck, I’m sure some of the guests didn’t even give us gifts. Their choice.
It’s a party to celebrate a life event - not a shakedown.
$25 a plate would be a steel from what I gather.
My wife decided to host a wedding her daughter a few years ago. Against my counsel to just give them money as their relationship was troubled from the start, she spent about 25K for an affair for about 120 people. Frankly, I was not enthralled with her daughter and less so of her friends. The upshot is they are now divorced. We are far from rich and part of that money came from retirment funds, the rest from borrowing.
Aside from that story, the point is there is a whole industry of leeches out there from planners to caterers to resort sites who see dollar signs as soon as someone walks through the door with stars in their eyes. Those stars turn into meteors which hit them in the head a few days after the event. My advice is plan on small events and give money to form a financial foundation for the new couple.
Wow! ours was twice that. I couldn't get a hot air balloon in the church parking lot, so we had a horse and buggy instead. (horses must cost more then balloons)
My girls (three of them) have a $2000 budget a piece from my pocket for weddings when the time comes. Everything else they have to fund. We are simple people, so it should be doable.
The ceremony was short and sweet. Probably 15 minutes from her walking up the aisle to man and wife departing.
Good friends (they were both attendants) hosted the reception in their back yard. We had an excellent country western 2-man band that played at a bar I liked, plywood laid on the grass for dancing, sandwiches ordered from the grocery deli, and a keg in the garage. The wedding cake was from a local bakery... maybe $200.
To this day, I have never been to a wedding/reception that I enjoyed more. Our guests had a wonderful time (they passed the hat among themselves to keep the band another hour... when we booked, we only got the guys for 3 hours, thinking it would be more than enough), we didn't break the bank for our church wedding and reception, and it was relaxed and fun. I'd guess that all expenses were MAYBE $1200.
We specifically asked for no gifts, buy our friends were so generous. We still have many nice things that we received as wedding gifts, and we use them.
Of course, Mrs. K and I were in our 30's when we hitched, so we were past the starry-eyed phase where girls dream of the Sound of Music wedding. Even today, I wouldn't trade our memories for a cathedral wedding with pipe organs, a sit-down banquet, and an orchestra at the reception.
I got married in ‘93 also. We had no family - my mother refused to come to the wedding, his parents lived in a foreign country. We had a potluck wedding: a friend lent me a dress - another friend brought a case of champagne, another, the glasses and napkins. A friend who was a chef brought beautiful chips and dips, another friend brought cold cuts and bread. Another friend paid for the cake. Two musician friends played music. It was a beautiful wedding, and we were so grateful for everyone’s participation. Later, when we made a lot of money, we had parties for all our friends.
How low class! IF you want FRIENDS to watch you get married, you shouldn’t expect them to pay to do it. If you can’t afford to INVITE people to a celebration and feed them without presenting a bill for every finger sandwich and stuffed mushroom, don’t invite anyone! Get married and go home. An invitation to a wedding shouldn’t be a bill before services. Is it a wedding or dinner and a floor show? If it is now considered the latter by brides, they had better provide 4 star food and a well known entertainer for $200+.
You are exactly right.
Being an old Firehouse cook, and the cook at our American Legion Post, I am used to cooking for a lot of people, so when my son got married I cooked the food,, The same for when my daughter got married. The greatest expense was the hall rental and the band. Still both of these weddings were in the $6,000 dollar range. My son married a girl who’s parents didn’t have much and they couldn’t afford the wedding, so old dad got stuck with the bill. The wedding was cheap , The Divorce cost me $30,000, but it was that or lose my Grand daughter. A friend of mine took out a 2nd. mortgage to pay for his daughters wedding. To me that is pretty ridiculous. If you haven’t the money there is no shame in having a small wedding.
Putting on a show to impress the Jones’s is BS.
My lovely bride and I had the best wedding- her father is a minister and married us. Her sister was her maid of honor, a buddy of mine my best man. We were married under an awning (usually used to shelter motorcycles) in a friend’s back yard. She made her dress, I just put on a shirt and tie (only for the ceremony- it was July in Texas!).
The night before the wedding we had buried a pig with hot coals in our friends back yard (and had a pre-wedding party :). Next day we dug it up, got married, and then had a pot-luck reception right there in the same yard. We specifically asked all of our friends to bring their kids- one of their toddlers ended up in our wedding pictures, because he kept wanting to be with me.
It was a stinkin’ blast, and hardly cost anything. We and others still talk about it fourteen years later- our daughter is jealous because she couldn’t be there!
My Wife’s family was not financially solid when we got married. My Wife and I arranged and payed for our own wedding, we were young and expected nothing from our equally young friends other than their sharing our happiness.
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