Brought back hurt memories of my buddy that possibly had the same ailment, just stopped eating and went downhill fast.
I could not bear to watch him struggle to breathe, too weak to use his box. At least I held him while he went.
Tore me up real bad, though I went through it differently than you did. Did come to realize that I am far more in tune spiritually with my little buddies than with people, for good or ill.
I truly thank you for the rest of the post, but this one bit troubles me a little. I hate to see you in pain. There are people who love as close to unconditionally as possible.... would you consider seeking them out? Do you know how you seek them out? You become one.
We are all human, and we all make mistakes, even -- or especially -- with this. I still strive to attain an ideal anyways.