Come on in.....the water is real warm
POLITICALLY INCORRECT
I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!
A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says. ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.’
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny meets Barack Obama............
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’
One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call great loss.”
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss..., and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!”
The teacher fainted.
CONFUCIUS did not say
* Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
* Passionate kiss, like spider web, Leads to undoing of fly.
* Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
* Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
* Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
* Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
* War does not determine who is right; It determines who is left.
* Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
* It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
* Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
* Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
* Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
HOWEVER, CONFUCIUS DID SAY . . . .
* A Lion will not cheat on his wife, But a TIGER WOOD!
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world. “I am entering” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do? “ First Place ,” said Snow White...and Pinocchio and Superman congratulated Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.” “I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?” “ First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?” Again, congratulations from the other two.
They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?” Pinocchio says “this is mine” Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. “What happened?” asked Snow White and Superman. “Who the hell is Obama?” asked Pinocchio.