Posted on 06/04/2013 3:01:46 PM PDT by ladyjane
A friend of mine needs some advice. His mother-in-law is moving to his small hometown where he lives with his wife and children. She says she's moving there (from 300 miles away) because it's too expensive where she is and she wants to get to know her grandchildren better. In fact she's never really shown much interest in her grandchildren.
She currently lives close to her other children but has had difficulty getting along with her sons-in-law and their families and even with her own daughters. He's worried that it will be a repeat of the difficult situation she has had with them. She's definitely moving to his town and has picked out a house within a couple of miles of his house.
I told him they need to set some limits at the beginning, for example, no dropping by unannounced, no criticism of is wife to him, no criticism of him to his wife, especially in front of the children.
I wanted to tell him to consider moving and not leaving a forwarding address but I don't think he's in the mood for humor. He's really worried.
I'm turning to Freepers to ask them their advice on what kind of limits would be good to consider.
“razor wire, snapping turtles, lots and lots of cats to mess with her allergies.”
A bit extreme, but not that much. The concept of having a perimeter around your house that won’t be breached, and then making sure that Grannie cannot see inside, can work. They can do what they want to try to get you to open the gate, but it would be your call to respond, or not.
I’ve told my kids that 200 to 300 miles is a good distance for the gramps, as that makes it a big deal for us to “drop-in”, but still makes visiting very doable.
“She made it clear she didn’t like him and tried to block the marriage.”
Then the girl has to choose one or the other, because she CANNOT have both. If she chooses her mom, her marriage is over, probably withing a year, and the kids have a broken family. If she chooses her husband, all will be well (except for mom, who doesn’t deserve any sympathy).
Take her a housewarming gift - maybe a pressure cooker.
” I just wanted to add one piece of advice to it: prayer?”
Absolutely correct, Bigg Red. The Lord will guide them with what is right. Hugs, Mom
You’re making me laugh!
Of course, I’m gorgeous!
problem is, I don’t know how to post a pic of me here, or anywhere, other than gmail/Facebbook.
too bad for you!
( -— I am not tech savvy)
kg/nancy
Does he have a clear idea of exactly how she misbehaves when interacting with the family? ...Or how they misbehave in interacting with her?
Sometimes we can get into a rut of hurt and angry feelings or unforgiveness with our family members and it just feeds itself in a whirlwind. Sometimes older people who are lonley have impossiblle expectations for their children and grand children. There is always two sides to every story so maybe he has not heard both sides. Are they ganging up on her because that would make her more insecure and more unstable in her interaction with them?
Before she moves she should seek counseling on the issues she faced in dealing with her children so she does not carry that baggage to a new place. Moving is not going to make things all better. She’s going to be lonlier because she will know fewer people.
I'm a MIL. The day my son married I told him and his new wife, "I will never come to your house unless I am invited." After 12 years I've not broken that promise. Five of those years they lived just down the block. I have kept both their girls full time. The older girl will be 10 this month. The baby is two and I'm still keeping her until she goes to pre-school. I feel fortunate that I have been able to keep them and bond with them. The girl my son married is a teacher who is all business. I don't feel that we have ever bonded, but I think she is exactly the person my son needs and I love her for that and because she gave me two beautiful grandchildren. I am blessed.
The situation depends on the dynamics among the three people (husband, wife, mother-in-law). Especially important is the wife’s position: will she work with her husband to present a united front to her mother? Or will she want her husband to adapt to whatever her mother wants to do?
If he is the slightest bit unsure of his wife’s allegiance, he will not have control of the situation. He will then probably be stuck with making suggestions to his wife and then just hoping and watching to see how things develop.
Sounds like he needs a polite way to tell her it’s time for her to leave. Here’s my dad’s line for getting rid of guests who’ve overstayed their welcome: “Well... thanks for stopping by.” He’d would get up and start walking toward to the door as he said this.
It is written by Karyl McBride called “Will I ever be good enough”. Written for Daughters of narcissistic mothers.
She is a Dr. and a psychiatrist. Through reading that book, my wife was able to understand and deal with her Mother. She was able to develop a much better relationship with her mother.
http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/
Dr McBride has a web site that also is helpful.
If later you want to speak with my wife, send a private FR mail or send your phone number.
We have been married 51 years, and I always have been polite and let my wife deal with her mother.
Her mother passed away about 10 years ago and we miss her.
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