A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, “I want to live forever.”
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”
“OK,” I said, “Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!”
“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.
10 Sure Fire Ways To get on Santa’s bad side!
1. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants
2. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
3. Build an army of snowmen on the roof, holding signs – ‘Bah Humbug’ and ‘Bite me Santa.’
4. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
5. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
6. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, ‘Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.’
7. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
8. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
9. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, ‘Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!’ and fire a gun.
10. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, ‘This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.