[verum ago]

But they have been of no help. The commentators on that fair and balanced media outlet are evenly divided between supporters of Hugo Chavez, Che Guevara, and Fidel Castro. Any suggestions?

Guevara's dead, so he's a voter now, not a candidate.
Castro is out of office and not running.
Chavez, now there's a 'dynamic' fellow! Solid choice, but might become a voter (die of his cancer).
Have you considered Putin or a Muslim Brotherhood candidate?

[Kenny Bunk]

Have you considered Putin

I will have much more flexibility to consider this after my successful campaign for VFW Entertainment Chairman is concluded. OTOH, Hugo has offered me a Kennedy-brokered deal on cheap heating oil.