Yep there is a pattern there.
Gays live their lives as gays but in the shadows until someone outs them, then they really change and become adament that everyone has to accept them as gay.
They are afraid to show the world who they really are until they can’t hide it anymore.
Ellen Degenerate comes to mind.
I have a sister inlaw that we all knew she was a lesbian, but she would not admit to anyone.
Then one day, she threw down the ultimatum that the family was to accept her as normal or she would cut herself off from the family.
Haven’t spoken to or seen her in over 10 years.
Don’t miss her.
I am sorry for your family issue with the lesbian sister in law. But, she’s the one who cut herself off from the family. It’s her loss.
I may get flamed, and hope I don’t offend you, but, there’s a certain comfort in a “don’t ask / don’t tell” situation, such as your family had with the sister in law before her ultimatum.
Gays are a small minority, and would get along better with straight society, if they understand that not everyone else is comfortable with homosexuality. Not everyone else understands homosexuality. Not everyone else wants to hear about some details of your “love life”, whether you are gay or straight. Keeping certain information private is not always a bad thing.