The mustard crop has been sparse this year. And don’t get me started on the ketchup and pickle plants.
While I realize you were being sarcastic, actually, you can make ketchup from dried tomatoes from your own crop or from homemade tomato paste. Easy. There is a cuke variety called pickle bush that adapts well to containers and would make nice hamburger dills. Dill is easy to grow year round, too and one summer crop yields a few years’ worth of dill weed and seed.
One of many mustard recipes:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/homemade-mustard-recipe/index.html
Mustard is easy to grow. In fact, it is a weed. Just let it go to seed.
Vinegar:
http://homecooking.about.com/library/archive/blvinegar.htm
with a ketchup recipe down the page a bit.
None of the things we eat are really that uniquely modern. People have made all sorts of foods, spices, condiments forever. Every culture has fast food/street food and this was true historically, too.
Logee’s is a mail order plant catalog that usually has all sorts of tropical spice plants, as well as tea and coffee plants for indoor growers. Coffee and tea do take several years to mature to bearing stage and one would be hard pressed to grow enough for the average modern Westerners’ consumption. However, given the interest, I would be surprised if there aren’t groups working on hybridizing coffee, tea and chocolate for temperate climes, let alone indoor growing. I do know of a group of dedicated amateurs working on dwarf tomatoes, so who knows what else is out there?
No possible way to get you started there. Now if we plugged ya into a currant bush, mayyyybe.