My son had the same problem in middle school. We praised him every night for avoiding the bully and keeping his temper in check. Of course, the bullying didn’t stop, but instead escalated. We contacted teachers, principals, administrators, who all said that they would tell my son the same thing, and that they had bigger problems.
One evening He was in tears and said he just couldn’t take it anymore. His dad was on the road, so I just shrugged, looked him in the eye, and say “cut loose on him.” The next day I got a call from the principal saying that my son took on three boys in the gym locker room. I asked him if anyone was bleeding or broken, and he said no. I said cool, tell my son I’ll see him when he gets off the bus.
That was one solution.
The other took place in Los Angeles in elementary school. He was being bullied by a kid two grades ahead of him, just weeks after we moved there. One afternoon during pick-up, I had my son point out the bully. I went up to the kid and asked if his name was Tim. I told him I who I was, and that my son had been telling me how kind he had been to him in the past few weeks. Since he was the new kid, he was shy and unsure of things, and I really appreciated him being a special friend and showing him around the school. I told him that many times new kids get picked on, so I was so glad that he had a bigger and older friend to look out for him and protect him. I thought the kid would pee his pants. I reached out to shake his hand, and he turned white, but returned the shake. The next day, my son said now the kid is hiding from HIM.
Aha! That was always my tactic. Destroy the enemy by making him a friend. It never failed with all four of my kids.
I’m an adult now, in my mid-thirties. But I also grew up with deformities. The type of torment I recieved from bullies went far beyond the usual expectations, and because of the intensity of the attacks I have held onto lessons learned when I was very young.
So I’m about to type something, and I want everyone to know that I’m not harboring anger, nor am I “Stuck in the past”. If anything I say is “Stuck in the Past” it is because I hold onto these lessons as part of how I was born - and who I have become.
All kids need to learn self defense. They all need to be able to handle a physical assault. This assault should be from both those in and out of their age and size ranges. A child should know how to find a large, devastating object and use it in both defensive and lethal ways.
They should be taught to fight in a measured style. So that using say, a sharpened pike won’t be used when someone cuts in front of them in a line. This type of judgement and training comes from self-discipline, level headed thought and clear views of the outcome of their actions. These thoughts all come from a high level of confidence. Confidence that they can take someone say, twice their size (a 7 year old vs 12 year old) without pulling out a sharpened pike and killing them.
It is important because bullied kids without these skills will sneak a kitchen knife into their schools and there will be a body count. Kids don’t understand measured and proportionate response without the guidance of parents and mentors.
I was a weakling. I was small for my age, mostly crippled and deformed. I was lowest on the totem and the target of all grades of bullying. Sexual, physical, verbal, and emotional. I had to learn these things myself.
Finally, I put down the biggest kid in my highschool when he approached me. I hospitalized 3 peers that day. Much larger guys. The taunting stopped.
I didn’t initiate the fight, I didn’t try to prove myself, I kept a checklist in my mind of reasons to explode, and methods to use against peers of their size. Everything fell together and I executed. From that point on, my life improved vastly.
It was unfortunate that it took so long - had I realised my own voice and capabilities, I would have acted much earlier. After this point my grades improved, I even dated the MOST popular girls at my school. My life could continue to develop without fear of dying at a young age.
My case is extreme, and my methods won’t work for everyone. But I do want people to know that it can get very serious, and the ONLY common solution that can be found is to increase the awareness in your own kids. Teach them right from wrong, and how to execute.