Lovemaking tips for seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot..
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
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There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking.
One old man asked the other, “How is your wife?”
Second old man replied, “I think she may be dead!”
First old man, “What do you mean you THINK she may be dead?”
“Well”, answered the second old man, “the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.”
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right.... but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?”
The old man whispers,
“Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!”