I can’t tell you how greatly those prayers held me up and strengthened me during the saddest and most agonizing weeks of my life. I know I couldn’t have been at my Mother’s side, holding her hand every day, watching life very slowly and painfully ebb from her without the fortitude and the God-blessed steel those prayers gave me.
It's taken me awhile to let those weeks slowly replay and sink in. As I cried to one of my children: my Mommy is gone. No matter how old we or they are, that one figure is such a central person in our lives. There is and will be a hole in our hearts always after the death of our Mother or Father.
It was SO very tough, as she truly suffered, and she was finally taken off the IV saline we approved in the absence of her disappearing appetite. The saline eventually swelled her hands and feet, and ultimately was improving nothing, except to salve the family’s firm belief that she not be starved or deprived of nourishment.
I think I’ve reconsidered my views on that now, as I see that God has designed everything for His precious creation, including a natural process for our physical bodies when the end time nears. And why would our merciful Lord not have thought of everything.
The last week, there were times when even the hourly low dose morphine to somewhat soothe the agony of a body wracked with waning body function, consumed with the pain of arthritis and lying immobile in one position for over a month wasn’t enough. Every inch of her was afire with pain.
And that’s the worst .. the memories of her pain and crying out will haunt me for a long time. At first, I didn’t understand her crying for her brothers and her Mother were from pain. I thought it was delirium. I now know I was wrong. She was crying for help . . for relief. Lord, please, please forgive me for not knowing it in my early days there and doing more when she cried out.
In the end, I was praying for relief and her release from the pain and fear also .. come, Holy Spirit, come. Years ago, I asked for prayers for her quadruple bypass, and I was so grateful for them. She was 85 then and did well, and now her heart was unstoppable .. beating ever strong and steady. She defied all the nurse’s and aide’s seasoned expectations, and kept on days and days longer than they anticipated. Her heart was defiantly doing its job.
Thank you again so very much for thinking of me, your prayers for my Mom especially, and for me and our family. I know with absolute certainty I would’ve been incapable of seeing, hearing .. witnessing all that I did every day for over 2 weeks and afterward without those blessed prayers behind me, bolstering me.
Prayer is so amazingly powerful .. just know that to your core. God is SO merciful, and I did have such an amazing miracle from His mercy... more than one really, but this was truly jaw dropping... if not a shock.
I would be dropped off in the morning and picked up around 6 or 6:30 at night. On this day late in the afternoon, out of the blue I said: No, I want to be here for the 6pm pain dosing .. make it 6:05. I hadn’t premeditated it .. it just came out.. from somewhere, without thinking.
Around 12-13 minutes to 6, I called in one of the aides to confirm what I thought was noticeably slowed breathing, and he agreed. The nurse came in and checked, and disagreed. Not 7-8 mins. later, I thought she had stopped breathing, and ran out for an aide. She checked her and ran past me to get the nurse. The same nurse examined her and said … yes, she’s gone. I’m calling it at 6 o’clock.
Sweet, Merciful Jesus .. thank you, thank you, thank you … that I was there. Oh yes, His mercy and grace are infinite, unknowable, indescribable, so powerful .. and prayer is truly, for certain, miraculous. That was all I wanted .. to be with her in her last days, hold her hand. That's my greatest blessing and gift. No one should die alone, no one .. not if it's humanly possible to just be there. She’s thankfully in God’s joyous Heaven, at last .. peaceful, no pain, all love and goodness. The majesty of God and His immense mercy are just simply amazing and glorious. His awesomeness brings one to weeping... we are so small.
I selfishly pray to die in my sleep, please God.
Your prayers were my treasure, my fortress in this very sad time, my FRiends. God bless you dearly for your kindness. Even if we don't post on a prayer thread, just say a little prayer. God listens.
And God bless all those in caregiving positions in nursing homes. They are mostly truly His angels on earth. We were blessed with some dear, tender souls, ministering to my Mom and all those in the nursing home with such loving care. Some, not so much .. but the majority were kind, joking, gentle souls who tried to lift the spirits of their charges while caring for their every human need in their deteriorating, difficult time. We really do become as parents. The circle closes.
Onyx .. such an incredibly dear FRiend updating and praying throughout. Dearest O, thank you so so very much. God bless you ... I love you.
