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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

badaboom

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Foster Brooks roasts Sammy Davis Jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcYTQokKdIg&NR=1

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Foster Brooks on Dean Martin Roasts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYusPRre07k&feature=related

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Murphy walks into the bar, both eyes are black and blue and closed shut, his nose is broken, he’s bleeding out of both ears and he has a big gash in his skull.

(all in an Irish Brogue)

Barkeep: Murphy what’n heck happen to you ?
Murph: I got into a fight with O’Brien.
Barkeep: O’Brien ? That little shit, he couldn’t beat you on his best day. He must have had sometting in his fist.
Murh: Aye..he did, he had a shovel and he proceeded to beat me about the head and shoulders sometting fierce.
Barkeep: Surely you must have had sometting in your own fist?
Murph: Aye...Mrs. O’Brien’s left breast and a ting of beauty it is too, but it’s udderly useless in a fight.

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A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid says “One”.
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.65”.
The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.
“Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
“Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
“Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said ‘down the coast,’ so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”

The boss says, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?”

The kid answers, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot; you should go fishing.”

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My first wife died.

My second one won’t.

badabing, badaboom