I have a drama queen tweener. She is also ADHD, and not adept at intuiting others’ intentions. She hates thinking things through, listening until I’m done with my point, and especially hates thinking before she speaks.
I have to spell out carefully what I mean, and insist that I get a respectful answer to the question asked. I am by nature extremely sarcastic and short-tempered, so I have to bite my tongue 1000 times a day and keep re-iterating to her and me that, in a family, we make a concerted effort to be kind to each other. We have many “do-overs”. Some days, I am completely worn out and frustrated. I think I should have just spanked her when she was little.
But then, I’ll hear her on the phone with a friend who is in a bad mood. Darned if she doesn’t put to use the lessons I’ve taught her! She really does count on me for a clue as to what to do.
Anyway, I think it’s not as important to “get it right” in asking tweeners or teens questions in a certain way. I think it’s more important to 1) convey love and genuine concern, 2) insist on respect 3) don’t give up. Just because one interaction went badly doesn’t mean it’s over. You didn’t give up on her walking, even after repeated stumbles. Keep trying.
Respect is the most important thing. If they think they are being heard, then they will come to you with more important things.
Just the other day, my mom was having a birthday party for my brother. We were all having a conversation and she missed the subject. She asked something silly and we realised that she wanted us to repeat what we said so that she could follow along.
We all laughed. My brother, and I are both hard of hearing. For ages, she had kept on us whenever we missed something by saying that we should listen better the first time.
We asked her to get her hearing aids on. She finally got the point. We’ve been waiting years for her to understand what we go through every day. Years.