“Time to outlaw scissors.
Well, let’s not be hasty. A much more sensible “middle ground” would be to have all scissor owners register their weapons with the government, which is adept at distinguishing between owners who pose a threat to society and those who are not. That way, this kind of thing will never happen again, ever, not once, ever. And Americans will be grateful their government has once again protected them against scary risks that they are otherwise helpless against....
Can I be first in line for the scissors buyback program?