I, Gorebot
Posted on 08/19/2009 9:21:52 PM PDT by spyone
I, Gorebot
If you’re gonna talk about a lying, cheating robot, you should at least ping him.
>>I did not have sex with that robot....Ms. Xj7503e<<
Just to be clear, although Bill seems to be into the “e” series, I prefer the “g” series. The improvements are subtle, but more to my taste.
"I did not have sex with that robot, Miss Pinbot."
Notice the mouth action...
LISTER: (Holding up a banana) Okay, let’s try again. What is it?
KRYTEN: It’s a banana.
LISTER: No, it isn’t. Try again. What is it?
KRYTEN: It’s a banana?
LISTER: (Exasperated) No, it isn’t! What is it?
KRYTEN: It’s an urrrr.... It’s an urrrr....
LISTER: It’s an orange! Go on, say it. It’s an orange! This! Is! An orange!
KRYTEN: It’s an orrrr... It’s an orrrr... It’s a banana! It’s no good, sir, I just can’t do it!
LISTER: You CAN do it, I’m gonna teach you how! (Holding up an apple) Okay, what’s this?
KRYTEN: It’s an ap—
LISTER: No, no, no, what is it?
KRYTEN: Oh, it’s no good sir, I just can’t lie! I’m programmed always to tell the truth.
LISTER: Kryten, it’s easy! (Holding up the apple) Look: an orange. (Holding up the orange) A melon. (Holding up the banana) A female aardvark!
KRYTEN: Oh! Oh, that is just so superb, sir! How DO you do that? Especially calling a banana an aardvark? An aardvark isn’t even a fruit! It’s total genius!
LISTER: (Beat) Let’s start again.
KRYTEN: Oh, sir, my head is spinning. We’ve been doing this all morning!
LISTER: Kryten, I’m gonna teach you how to lie and cheat if it’s the last thing I do. I want you to be unpleasant, cruel, and sarcastic; it’s the only way to break your programming, man — make you independent!
KRYTEN: Well, I’m truly grateful, sir. Don’t you think I’d love to be deceitful, unpleasant, and offensive? Those are the human qualities I admire the most! But I just can’t do it.
LISTER: You CAN!
KRYTEN: I CAN’T!
LISTER: (Picks up the banana again.) Look! What’s this?!
KRYTEN: No!
LISTER: What is it?
KRYTEN: Please!
LISTER: Come on, what is it?
KRYTEN: It’s a b... It’s a b... It’s a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden! (He looks stunned.)
LISTER: Yes, you did it, you did it! (Holding up the orange) What’s
this?
KRYTEN: It’s a red-and-blue striped golfing umbrella!
LISTER: Kryten! Yes! (Holding up the apple) What’s this?
KRYTEN: It’s an apple.
LISTER: No! What is it?
KRYTEN: It’s a — it’s a — it’s, it’s, it’s the Bolivian Navy on
manoeuvres in the South Pacific!
LISTER: Well, Kryten, man — you can do it!
KRYTEN: (Proud of himself) No, I can’t.
LISTER: Yes, you — whoa, whoa, nice one!
KRYTEN: Well, I can’t hang around here; I better go away and take the penguin for a walk. I can do it! I did it again, I can lie!
LISTER: Cat, Cat! C’mere, c’mere — check this, check this, check this!
CAT enters.
CAT: Check what?
LISTER: Concentrate, Kryten. What’s this? (He holds up the banana.)
KRYTEN: It’s a banana.
LISTER: (Disappointed) What’s this? (He holds up the orange.)
KRYTEN: It’s an orange.
LISTER: (Holding up the apple) What’s THIS?
KRYTEN: (Almost crying) Apple?
CAT: You taught him that? That’s terrific! You two should audition for “What’s My Fruit?!”
LISTER: He did it wrong, man.
CAT: (Having fun at their expense) Oh, it gets better!
KRYTEN: I just can’t do it.
LISTER: You CAN; you just did it!
KRYTEN: I just can’t do it, not when there’s someone else there. What’s a suitable human analogy? It — it’s like trying to urinate in a public lavatory when you’re standing next to a man two foot taller than you. It’s just not possible!
CAT: Look, what are you trying to do, exactly?
KRYTEN: He’s trying to teach me how to lie, sir.
CAT: Any particular reason?
LISTER: Yeah! Lyin’s a vital part of your psychological defense system; you’re naked without it. If you can’t lie, then you can’t conceal your true intentions from other people; sometimes that’s essential. I mean, like, take Nelson. (He holds the banana to his eye like a telescope.) When he put the telescope to his blind eye and said, “I see no ships!” Or like Humphrey Bogart, at the end of Casablanca, when he lies to Victor Lazslo to protect Casablanca and the guy’s feelings.
KRYTEN: I understand the theory, sir. How many times have you made me watch that movie? I understand that it can be noble to lie; I just can’t do it.
LISTER: But Kryten, you CAN do it. (Waving the banana) Look, what’s THIS?
KRYTEN: It’s a banana.
CAT leaves in disgust.
KRYTEN: It always HAS been a banana, it always WILL be a banana. It’s a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat the white bits; it’s a banana!
>Robot 1: Do you love me?
Robot 2: You know I do, more than anything. Now open your fusebox.<
The sensor is in the mail?
The path to salvation. It's that pesky right reason that gets me every time. At least I lament my selfishness, and I am forgiven.
What, now we gotta worry about lieing robots?
Shebot: My firewall is impregnable.
Hebot: My virus check came back clean.
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