Posted on 05/01/2009 6:30:23 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you lose yours.
Recovery is when Obama loses his.
Hey - that guy with the fashion statement haircut... HE’S Obama’s nominee for SCOTUS!
Coldfinger,
he's the man with an icy touch,
he'll lure you to his web of sin
but don't go in!
...and the horse he rode in on!
I’m sending #43 to E and R. I figure it will mean more to them than it does to most! HAHA:)
LOL
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?’
“Of course, my child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
The priest answered: “I would love to help you, dear,
but I must warn you: I will not Lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her. The Official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
“And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on
a woman, but which alas, is to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.
Next please.”
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
Edna replied , ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
.........................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’
Yup...nothing silly about that cuz the TRUTH hurts. OWIE...OUCH....
If you are going to blatantly steal content, at least give a mention somewhere in the body
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, “Hi! I’m Belinda!” This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, “All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?
I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.” Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
“Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.” Belinda headed for the door. “Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy...the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be rightttt backkk.”
Before I could shout “NOOOO!” she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraaordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite “Hi, how’s it going” type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible “Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.”
“You bet, take care” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry!” The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....
Settle down, jeesh....I thought I had linked it somewhere. Again, as I mentioned in my ping, I was having html trouble this morning. So Pfffft to you.
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