(P.S. - the wankers on Cracked are exactly who I have in mind).
Regarding heavily armed....
1. Shotgun is a must. Pistol gripped, with 8 shot feed tube, and preferably with a tube mounted tactical laser/light combo.
2. Handgun. Pistol or revolver, maybe both, preferably chambered in 45ACP. Make sure to save one bullet for yourself if needed.
3. Scoped Rifle. M1A or M4 variant. Bayonet equipped.
4. Large hunting knife or machete.
5. Plenty of ammo for all of the above.