Posted on 02/20/2009 4:47:26 AM PST by Lucky9teen
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. ‘A less costly alternative,’ said the doctor, ‘is to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in hillbilly country), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
10.’
The hillbilly said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..’
‘Trust me,’ said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
‘1’
‘2’
‘3’
‘4’
‘5’
( you’ll love this..)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
*********************************************************************************************************************************88
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough..
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head, “no..”
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, “no.”
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
Yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it afore!”
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ - She is a
‘ BREASTED AMERICAN.’
2. She is not ‘ EASY ‘ - She is
‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.’
3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ - She is a
‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’
4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ - She is a
‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
5. She does not ‘NAG’ you - She becomes
’ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
6. She is not a ‘TWO- BIT HOOKER’ - She is a
’ LOW COST PROVIDER.’
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a ‘ BEER GUT’ - He has developed a
‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ - He is
’ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘ GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ - He
‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ - He is in
‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’
(Loved this one!)
6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants - It’s
‘REAR CLEAVAGE.’
A man was driving his Corvette along a California beach when suddenly the sky parted above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
The Corvette owner pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.’ The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’
The Corvette owner thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’
The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
And I complain about my wife’s driving.....
(S)He does not ‘ GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ - (S)He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
Rudyard Kipling if often quoted as saying “You can never have too much red wine, too many books or too much ammo.”
Guess I’ll have to stock up on the vino.
Ping. Send it to your Mom...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ku-VSuWJjDQ
cracks me up everytime
Best Menopause Question
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman’sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And,once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I’m sorry.
What was the question?
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, “SIR,
WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?”
THE OLD FARMER SAID, “THAT’S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER
I GO, CHUCK GOES.”
“I’M SORRY SIR,” SAID THE TICKET AGENT. “WE CAN’T ALLOW
ANIMALS
IN THE THEATER.”
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK
DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A
TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED
HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
“MARGE,” WHISPERED MILDRED.
“WHAT?” SAID MARGE.
“I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.”
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?” ASKED MARGE.
“HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT”, WHISPERED MILDRED.
“WELL, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT”, SAID MARGE. “AT OUR AGE
WE’VE SEEN
‘EM ALL”
“I THOUGHT SO TOO”, SAID MILDRED, “BUT THIS ONE’S EATIN’
MY POPCORN!”
My friends and I used to delight in doing that dance at any public place where they had dancing like big office Christmas bashes, festivals and parties.
I hope it’s true Eaker...
I’m tired of paying for this place.
Since he’s offered to bail out the deadbeats, I think it’s time I stood in line for some of the money...
;o]
LOL!
Uh oh Eaker, sounds like you and humble will need to build up an army of coffee crazed deer.
I know they aren’t very tough, but they do cause confusion under which you can slip out the side door through.
You got me good! That was great!
Got my permit.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.