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Pontius Pilate: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?

Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.

Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?

Brian: ‘Naughtius Maximus’.

[the Centurion laughs]

Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no, sir.

Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?

Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it’s a joke, sir... like, uh, ‘Sillius Soddus’ or... ‘Biggus Dickus’, sir.

Pontius Pilate: [guard chuckles] What’s so funny about “Biggus Dickus? “

Centurion: Well, it’s a joke name, sir.

Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called ‘Biggus Dickus’.

[guard chuckles]

Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.

Brian: Can I go now, sir?

[slap]

Brian: Aaah! Eh.

Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!

[guard chuckles]

Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away!

Centurion: Oh, sir, he - he only...

Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.

Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.

[takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically]

Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...

[another guard chuckles]

Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?

[more chuckling]

Pontius Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... ‘Biggus’...

[chuckle]

Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?

[both guards chuckle]

Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she’s called? She’s called... ‘Incontinentia’... Incontinentia Buttocks

Pontius Pilate: [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?

Pontius Pilate: [Laughing continues] I’ve had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You’re not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!