God is omnipresent, LeGrande. You just don't accept that. Studying your own droppings is not going to lead to anything other than reinforcement of the darkness you're already in.
Seriously, when I believed, I was in darkness. Now that I have made the break, I can hardly believe the weight that has been lifted and how clear everything is. If anything I get angry with myself for being deluded for so many years.
You have my sincere sympathy for your cognitive dissonance.