I’m not Orthodox either but I’ve spent time in a Lubavicher community and been involved with the schools.
They don’t date until they are ready for marriage, which is usually 18-22 for girls and slightly older (more schooling) for boys. Then the parents (with help of a matchmaker sometimes!) will arrange the dates with what they consider suitable matches. They will consider their own child’s wishes.
There is usually enough politeness to go around so that feelings are not hurt, and the dates are in public, usually to a local kosher pizza parlor or restaurant, and each one meets the other there (they do not drive together). Everyone tries to let down the other party easy if the date was not such a match.
In many ways the bride and groom are utter strangers on their wedding day. However, some basics are clear, unlike those who marry for “love” in the outside world. They will have planned the type of life they will lead, how the kids will be raised, where they will live, and many other things. They will have chosen each other based on very rational things that make a lot of sense. If either got a creepy feeling or a wrong sense about the other, they would not have gone forward. It doesn’t ALWAYS work but there are very few divorces in the chassidic world. Couples can grow in love.
It’s not for everyone but sometimes I think marriages would be a lot better if the couple had all their loved ones working on the match, and were making decisions based on rational similar desires rather than just sexual attraction. I mean, anyone can mate.
That makes sense. Thank you. :-)
We probably would have many more stable marriages in this country if we practiced arranged marriage, but the notion of marrying for love is so prevalent in our society that I do not expect arranged marriages to make a comeback on a large scale.