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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, we’re leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.’
Lewis Lizzard, an Alaska defense attorney, arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.” And on and on and on..
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all and Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF HEAVEN, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, ‘Mom! I have someone for you to meet.’
So they met and it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic hotel. Their first night there, she undressed as did he.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, ‘Why the bl ack panties?’
She replied: ‘My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.’
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same— she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit— but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: ‘What’s with the black condom?’
He replied, ‘I want to offer my deepest condolences.’
I was very depressed last night thinking about 4 years of Obama and Biden, so I called the Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
