Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh Logan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
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